Vacation

     I didn't have a new blog last week.  It's not because I'm a lazy slob -- well, not completely, anyway.  I didn't write a blog because I was spending a week in the sun and surf 600 miles out in the Sargasso Sea.  Before I get any sneers or jeers from the peanut gallery, let me just add that I was spending a week in the sun and surf with my wife's entire family.  Fifteen of us, in all.  On a boat.  Stuck.

     Your jealous heart just melted into a puddle of sympathy, didn't it?

     In all fairness, the vacation went better than the Ben Stiller Hollywood version of it would have.  Of course, my in-laws aren't quite as whacky as Hollywood in-laws.  I can't recall any zany mixups, awkward conversations, or embarrassing flatulence.  I can't recall getting much rest or relaxation, either.

     We Americans have a screwy sense of what vacation is all about.  How many times have you worked yourself senseless trying to have the perfect vacation?  The whole concept of "planning a vacation" is an oxymoron.  "We have to be in front of Epcot at 8:30.  Did you hear me, Oliver, 8:30 I said!"  Take out "Epcot", insert "the office", and it's no different from any other day at work.

     We learned that dreadful habit from from our parents, I guess; that good ol' American work ethic works itself even into our free time.  "Everything is work, even vacation" sounds like some questionable advice my Dad may have given me once upon a time.

     It's so ingrained in our character that we build spectacular monuments to the stressful vacation here.  Is there anyone out there naive enough to believe that relaxation is remotely possible when you're at the Magic Kingdom with a carload of kids?  Didn't think so.  Have you ever come back from any "vacation attraction" more rested than when you left?  Me neither!  It's just not possible.

     I keep telling my wife that one-of-these-days, I'm going to take a week's vacation and work around the house.  I would love that.  I'm handy (I think) and there are surely enough projects to keep me occupied for a week.  There's always something to paint, polish, or repair.  I find those jobs relaxing and it seems to me that she would be happy to allow me to clear some of those honey-do's off her ever-growing list.  Despite making that suggestion every year since we've had a house, "one-of-these-days" never comes.

     My advice to anyone planning a summer vacation -- including my future self -- is to put down your pencil and stop planning.  While you're vacating, relax.  Turn your cell phone ringer off.  Ignore your watch.  Don't set unrealistic goals for yourself or your family.  Don't watch vacation through the camera viewfinder.  Don't sweat it if you don't get to do or see absolutely everything there is to do or see.  Remember that this is your time to rest.  In fact, this may be your only time to rest.  You've earned it so use it wisely.

      And if you come back from vacation more haggard than when you left, please re-read the above paragraph because you've obviously done something wrong.