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Shocking Exclusive: ALIENS ATTACK EDITOR'S CAR!!!

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Not really...darn it.

By Becky Barnes

 

If you are my Facebook friend, you already know the incident that “sparked” this column.
I overslept on Monday and felt all morning like I was running behind. I needed a jolt, but not quite the one that found me.
Robin Florence is the new director at the Harrison County Senior Citizens Center. She and I had planned to get together around 11 a.m. to talk about the new position that she was returning to and what her plans are for the future of the center.
The center is within walking distance of the Democrat office, but, as I said, I felt I was behind. I drove to the center and parked my car in the line of cars closest to Old Lair Road.
I was early. How could that be? Nonetheless, I sat in my car for a few minutes and decided I’d slide my contacts in my eyes, then walk up the hill to the center and my 11 a.m. appointment.
Just as I was gathering my plunder -- camera, notebook and pen -- there came a whipping noise. It sounded like a jump rope when you try to turn it as fast as you can.
That zing was followed by what can only be described as a scene from Aliens. It was climbing on top of my car from behind. The talons smacked around the trunk, the roof and finally came to rest on the hood. It was defeated, but I wasn’t certain it was dead.
I called Cynthiana dispatch. (I used the 234-7100 number since this really wasn’t much of a 911 situation.)
John Green answered my call and rather than go into my Alien theory, which he would have enjoyed, I explained that an electric wire had me tied down like a bale of hay.
Green urged me to stay in the car.
Before a minute had passed, Cpl. Walter Tapp arrived, cautioned me to stay in the car and assessed the situation.
In other words, he had no intention of grabbing the wire as he is counting down the days until his retirement.
Next arrived Det. Alan Judy, who found humor in my zip-tied predicament.
Next rolled up the Cynthiana Fire Department. Lt. Andy Wiglesworth agreed that it was definitely a job for Kentucky Utilities.
“Stay in the car,” was the friendly advice from Lancer Mastin and assistant chief Wagner Perrin.
The bare cable might be a guide wire. Or, it could be something much more shocking. I was in no hurry to find out.
So the wait continued for KU to free me from my bonds.
Thank you to all the first responders who showed up as witnesses. Since I’m often seen trampling around their fire or crash scenes, some found it quite ironic that I should be who needed rescuing.
However, from the inside of my vehicle, we were able to put together what had happened.
No aliens.
The driver of a semi-truck had mistakenly turned right onto Old Lair  from Webster Avenue. Realizing that Old Lair Road was no place for his rig, he turned into the Senior Citizens Center. If you have ever visited the center, you know the parking lot is not very sedan-friendly, much less is it for a semi-tractor and trailer.
The driver, who had just dropped his Aberdeen Express cargo at The Cynthiana Democrat, pulled to the top level of the parking lot. There wasn’t enough clearance under the utility line and it was clipped.
That’s when I got the zing, zip, scratch effect.
Once KU arrived, not on a white stallion, but in a white pickup truck, the crewman donned his protective gear and liberated me from my fetters.
Once my feet were firmly on the pavement, I felt like I needed to react in some way -- like kiss the ground or start running like Forrest Gump.
But no, I walked up the hill, snapped a couple of pictures of Robin, chatted a little, then went back to the office.
Funny thing, I didn’t feel behind the rest of the day.
The next time I need a morning jolt, I think I’ll have an extra cup of coffee.
In all seriousness, the first responders brought some ease to the situation through humor, but they were all extremely professional. They took care of the scene first and knew that I was safe as long as I remained in the car.
I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
It would have made for some more interesting photographs from the Democrat’s summer intern Kayla Pickrell if there had been aliens.